Thursday, May 8, 2008

Please...Help Us Make It Stop...

Skip Bayless, criminal douchewhistle. It’s been well documented that he’s the most annoying androgynous talking head in the history of the televised medium. His commentary is vapid, his opinions are worthless, and his mock turtlenecks are offensive to anyone with even the slightest sartorial sensibilities. He has no real perspective or opinion—he simply identifies what the general consensus is on the topics du jour and then loudly, baselessly and effeminately advocates the exact opposite perspective with the impetuousness of a Long Island housewife insisting on the sale price on a designer-imposter handbag. He adds no value to any production that's contaminated with his presence and he is chronically sensationalistic, misinformed and nauseating. He offends all five senses (Yes, we can smell his rancid idiocy all the way from Bristol.)

We, like most of America, want him off of of our televisions. We want him off Sportscenter. We want him off of the putridity that is ESPN’s First Take with Jay Crawford, He-Man and, I believe, Isaac from the Love Boat [TJ Addition: Eric Kuselias, sometime stand-in for that serial groper Crawford, looks like the Hulk]. We want him gone. And we're thinking that you do too.

In this light, we have a proposal, and we’re determined to take it one step further than your pedestrian, run of the mill “Fire __________.com” (this is meant to disparage all such sites with the exception of FireJoeMorgan.com, which is good, though I’m told “full of shit.”) We are convinced that the rest of America hates Skip Bayless so much, that they are willing to put their collective monies where their collective mouths are.

In the hopes of ridding the airwaves and the WorldWideLeader of Bayless, we are willing to each purchase a 6 month (26 issues) subscription to ESPN the Magazine, immediately upon the firing of Skip Bayless. That comes to a cost of $26.00. And we believe that we are not alone. We think that at least 100,000 others are willing to make this same pledge. You hear that Bodenheimer? You ready to draft a "This is why we canned Bayless" memo Norby? $26 bucks times 100,000? For $2.6 million you could hire five new douchewhistles to scream at Stephen A while Dana Jacobsen tries to subvert her pangs to utter anti-Catholic hate speech in the background.

If you are willing to put your money where your mouth is, sign your name below and pledge that, if and when ESPN removes Bayless from its airwaves, you’re committed to 26 (annoyingly oversized) issues of ESPN the Mag.

We can make this happen. Its morning in America. We shall overcome. YES WE CAN. And all that other crap. Our long national nightmare will soon be over...

UPDATE: TJ took the time to create an actual online petition. The internet is a magical place. Game on Skip...game on...
http://www.petitiononline.com/FireSkip/petition.html

4 comments:

Mark said...

I guess this is where I sign my name, um, Mark Hughes.

If I get fired for this I'm coming after you both. Oh wait, I'm self employed. Sweet. By the way, I don't think anything has ever been as mentally offensive as watching skip and Screamin' A earlier this week. Pure effing torture I tell you. You boys are doing the Lords work.

TJ said...

Hello sir...please go sign my fancy pants official petition.

And if we get fired for this the first person I'm calling is Christmas Ape.

Geoff said...

We're just 99,994 signatures away...

TJ said...

...Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.